Your story is incredibly compelling. Ever since I read your message this morning I've been praying and talking to the Lord about you.
The thing is, I believe you're in the same position I
was before I received the new birth, albeit in a different time frame. I
was much younger than you are now when this wrestling and striving took
place. Like you heard in my testimony, I thought I was born again long
before I actually was. I was preaching to friends and family from when
I was about 8 or 10, but I didn't actually get it until I was 16. I
would go through long periods of time when I wouldn't outright sin, but
I'd eventually fall back, feel terrible and quit, fall back again, over
and over. And, like you, I went through a serious period when I thought
I was lost for good. I knew those verses about being unable to renew
them again unto repentance, and I was scared to death that it was
talking about me.
But what I realised later was, I had never actually gone all the way yet. I was still trapped in my sinful nature -- I was not yet circumcised in heart. I know you mentioned people who try to blame their sin on the flesh, like they can't stop when it's really because they don't want to. Most of the time, that's true. People don't really WANT to stop sinning, so they never truly repent. But the sinful nature is real, and that is the bondage the scriptures speak of -- being sold under sin. We're born bad trees, which is why we produce bad fruit (sin), which is why Jesus said we must be born AGAIN. That sinful nature is what Paul describes in Romans 7, and that's why Jesus came to free us! It was for the forgiveness of sins, yes, but that's not all, as we already had forgiveness under the old covenant. He came to TAKE AWAY the sin of this world, to free us from bondage by REMOVING our old sinful heart that can't please him and giving us a NEW one that naturally does.
That's why the Lord sent me to YouTube, because all the "holiness" people I watched were trying to rehab an old heart. And it's not working for them, as they all admit to falling back into sin. No one preaches Colossians 2:11, no one speaks of having crucified the flesh once and for all. They're still warring against the flesh while trying to walk after the Spirit, even though Jesus makes it clear you're either born of one or the other. And trying to hide and escape from outside temptations in this world won't fix it, because sin still lurks in the heart wanting to manifest itself one way or another. They're still under the bondage I was under of striving to be sinless while I still had a rotten heart. It would work for a time, but it'd eventually fail. So I was sent here to preach this freedom -- not the false "freedom" of the sinners who turn God's grace into a license to sin, but TRUE freedom by God's grace to be given a license to holiness. When we truly repent, we're able to believe that when we ask for a new holy heart, he gives it to us the moment we ask. He promised us this new heart, and he's not a man that he should lie.
And that's the only reason I've been able to remain this way for 8 years, and for the rest of my life. I haven't stayed sinless through my effort -- I tried that for years, and it failed. I'm holy because HE made me holy, and when I came to him I agreed to become a vessel through which he pours out himself. It's not hard to stick with him, because it's no longer I who live but Christ IN me. That's the blessed REST we're promised! We rest from our own efforts and striving for righteousness and sinlessness, because HE fulfills it IN us.
So my message to you is, you're not lost. That's Satan trying to scare you and get you to give up and accept damnation. You've been trying to bear fruit while growing on a rock -- your stony heart. You simply need transplanting.
"A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.
And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them." (Ezekiel 36:26-27)
"For if the firstfruit be holy, the lump is also holy: and if the root be holy, so are the branches." (Romans 11:16)
HE saves US. We can't save ourselves. Salvation is simply, "Please, thank you, and Hallelujah!" But we have to really mean the please. When we're truly fed-up with sin, and would rather die than to sin against him ever again, he swoops down and removes our old sinful heart, replacing it with a new holy one free from ALL sin, sins, and sinning. He makes us a holy vessel through which he works in us all good works, to will and to do of his good pleasure.
But what I realised later was, I had never actually gone all the way yet. I was still trapped in my sinful nature -- I was not yet circumcised in heart. I know you mentioned people who try to blame their sin on the flesh, like they can't stop when it's really because they don't want to. Most of the time, that's true. People don't really WANT to stop sinning, so they never truly repent. But the sinful nature is real, and that is the bondage the scriptures speak of -- being sold under sin. We're born bad trees, which is why we produce bad fruit (sin), which is why Jesus said we must be born AGAIN. That sinful nature is what Paul describes in Romans 7, and that's why Jesus came to free us! It was for the forgiveness of sins, yes, but that's not all, as we already had forgiveness under the old covenant. He came to TAKE AWAY the sin of this world, to free us from bondage by REMOVING our old sinful heart that can't please him and giving us a NEW one that naturally does.
That's why the Lord sent me to YouTube, because all the "holiness" people I watched were trying to rehab an old heart. And it's not working for them, as they all admit to falling back into sin. No one preaches Colossians 2:11, no one speaks of having crucified the flesh once and for all. They're still warring against the flesh while trying to walk after the Spirit, even though Jesus makes it clear you're either born of one or the other. And trying to hide and escape from outside temptations in this world won't fix it, because sin still lurks in the heart wanting to manifest itself one way or another. They're still under the bondage I was under of striving to be sinless while I still had a rotten heart. It would work for a time, but it'd eventually fail. So I was sent here to preach this freedom -- not the false "freedom" of the sinners who turn God's grace into a license to sin, but TRUE freedom by God's grace to be given a license to holiness. When we truly repent, we're able to believe that when we ask for a new holy heart, he gives it to us the moment we ask. He promised us this new heart, and he's not a man that he should lie.
And that's the only reason I've been able to remain this way for 8 years, and for the rest of my life. I haven't stayed sinless through my effort -- I tried that for years, and it failed. I'm holy because HE made me holy, and when I came to him I agreed to become a vessel through which he pours out himself. It's not hard to stick with him, because it's no longer I who live but Christ IN me. That's the blessed REST we're promised! We rest from our own efforts and striving for righteousness and sinlessness, because HE fulfills it IN us.
So my message to you is, you're not lost. That's Satan trying to scare you and get you to give up and accept damnation. You've been trying to bear fruit while growing on a rock -- your stony heart. You simply need transplanting.
"A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.
And I will put my spirit within you, and cause you to walk in my statutes, and ye shall keep my judgments, and do them." (Ezekiel 36:26-27)
"For if the firstfruit be holy, the lump is also holy: and if the root be holy, so are the branches." (Romans 11:16)
HE saves US. We can't save ourselves. Salvation is simply, "Please, thank you, and Hallelujah!" But we have to really mean the please. When we're truly fed-up with sin, and would rather die than to sin against him ever again, he swoops down and removes our old sinful heart, replacing it with a new holy one free from ALL sin, sins, and sinning. He makes us a holy vessel through which he works in us all good works, to will and to do of his good pleasure.
May all those who are coming to Christ receive this message, that we may of one mind, one doctrine, with no debate, no variance, each one saying the exact same thing, entering into the unity of the Body.
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